How
To Talk To A Friend Who's Had An Abortion
Andie's Story
One night my best friend in high school called me, totally
in tears. I hadn’t
seen her since we left for college. She told me she got pregnant her first
semester at State and let her boyfriend talk her into an abortion. It was the
baby’s due date the night she called. The boyfriend broke up with her
months ago because she “wasn’t fun to be around anymore.” What
could I say? I had no clue how to deal with this. Growing up we were both pro-life.
I thought I could calm her down by saying stuff like “Don’t worry.
You did the right thing.” “What else could you do? It was the best
choice.” I told her to try to get over it and think about her future.
And I thought she was just being dramatic when she said she didn’t have
a future anymore. But I found out that, a few days later, she tried to kill
herself. I keep wishing I had said something that could have helped her instead
of making her feel more alone.
–Andie
Almost everyone knows someone who’s
had an abortion. Many people know
someone personally who is suffering
because of an abortion. If a friend confided in
you tomorrow that she had an abortion, would
you be able to respond in a way that brings
her closer to healing?
There are ways to avoid the mistake Andie
made. Ways that may help your friend be
hopeful again about her future.
If this is the first time your friend has told
you
about her abortion, she may be afraid that you
will be critical or that you will repeat to others
what she tells you. She must know that you
are a real friend who cares about her, and that
you are not sitting in judgment of her.
Before you talk to her, keep in mind:
What does she need today?
- someone to listen?
- a shoulder to cry on?
- a referral to a professional counselor,
- a priest or minister?
- or even crisis intervention?
Listen with your heart 
Begin by listening to your friend.
Let her pour
out the whole story without interrupting her.
You don’t have to understand every detail. It’s
important that she lets go of some of the burden
she’s been carrying and that she no longer
feels alone.
She may talk about:
- what happened at the clinic
- rage and anger—at the boyfriend, her parents,
- the clinic personnel, God,
herself
- guilt, regret, depression, nightmares, using
- alcohol or drugs to try to forget,
and even
- suicidal thoughts
- unbearable grief
- being alienated from her boyfriend, family
and friends
- feeling that she doesn’t deserve to be loved
or forgiven
Assure her of your love
and support
Much as you’d like to make all her
suffering go
away with the right words, her grief and loss
won’t disappear after one conversation. Assure
her of your friendship. Tell her you will be
there for her and help her find healing.
Where help can be
found
Ask your friend if she has ever heard about
help for people struggling after abortion. There
are safe places where trained people can help
her overcome grief and loss, and give her hope.
There are counselors, priests and ministers prepared
to help, as well as support groups and
retreats. Offer her the
name and phone number of the local Project Rachel. Give
her this website address: www.hopeafterabortion.com.
Spiritual healing
Even a woman who doesn’t go to church or
think of herself as religious can be afraid that
God will never forgive her for having an
abortion. She should know that God loves and
forgives those who are sorrowful. He wants to
comfort them and give them his peace.
You might want to invite your friend to
go to
church with you, or ask her to consider talking
it over with a priest or minister trained in
post-abortion counseling. Some Bible passages
and prayers relating to God’s love and mercy
can be found at the Prayers section
of this website.
Begin the Journey
Encourage her to contact Project Rachel for
help. Remind her that God’s love and mercy is
bigger than any sin.
Assure her again of your friendship. Promise
to be there, not only today, but in the future.
Thank her for having the trust to talk with you.
It took courage. Her healing journey has begun.
I finished the post-abortion reconciliation
offered through Project Rachel two months
ago. I can’t find words to describe how
wonderful this experience was. I was helped
to shed all the denial, anger, lies, stubbornness
and tears that were in my heart. ...Through this care the walls came tumbling
down and in their place stood compassion,
forgiveness, grace, faith and love.
Helping a friend suffering
in silence
If you see a friend struggling with sadness
and emotional turmoil and you suspect that
abortion might be the cause, would you
know how to offer help without being
obvious about your suspicion? A suggestion:
At an appropriate time and place, you
might say something like this:
“ I found an interesting website that gave me
a new outlook on abortion. I never realized
the awful pressures women face in making
that decision or how, afterward, they suffer,
grieve and feel alone. There are programs,
like Project Rachel, all over the country that
help women struggling with emotional
problems after abortion.”
Have information on local programs
(address and phone number) on hand in
case she asks for it. Or leave information
where she can find it.
|
How
to Talk to a Friend
Who's Had an Abortion
Adverse
Psychological Reactions: A Fact Sheet
After
the Abortion
Paula Vandegaer, LCSW
Psychiatric
Sequelae of Abortion: The Many Faces of Post-Abortion Grief
E. Joanne Angelo, M.D.
Flaws
in Post-Abortion Research
David
C. Reardon, Ph.D.
Suicide
and Abortion: One Country's Experience
Additional
Post-Abortion Research
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